A Rant

I've been reading post in my GP support group on Facebook. This post is geared for them.

         Many of you have been dealing with this gp stuff longer than me. Here's what I've noticed and what frustrates me. With GP there is NO standard of care. There is no text book way to diagnose, ease symptoms,and cure GP. It would be so much easier to say {god forbid} have cancer. There are standard ways to treat cancer, there are hit and misses, yes, but there is a way to treat it that tends to work for most people. Thank God for that and thank God there are so many that can be cured. My thoughts are that we all have to become our own advocate and I've seen that so many of you are. We're just in this big leaky life raft and spinning in circles! I'm bipolar, there are many meds to regulate this. It's hit and miss, but eventually most folks find a combo that works for them. GP is not like this I'm learning! Last week I was sick as hell. This week I'm eating myself out of house and home. The symptoms flip flop that fast for me. I'll feel all normal, then its two steps back! Some folks will scare the shit out of you with their horror stories. You think, Oh, mines not that bad. then you have a bad few days and think, Mine is just as bad. I don't have the hospital stays or feeding tubes, or gastric pacemakers. I've been through my own gastro hell since I was a kid.
 
      I read that some people can only eat pureed foods and such. I can relate to that b/c I had two fundoplications. That surgery was the hardest on me yet. I had to have it done twice b/c it didn't work the first time. I know all about a soft food diet and the frustration and cravings for a turkey sandwich that go with that. I've had my gall bladder out, since that filter is gone, I've about pooed while walking down an aisle at Save A Lot. I know all about that. I have experienced a wide cast of gastro malfunctions. My weight has ebbed and flowed. Part of that is yes, being a girl. The other part is stress eating and medications.  With my weight as still big as it is, you can tell I could put up some groceries. I can't do that much anymore. All that has really tasted good is junk! Like Doritos and banana pudding.  I ate salad this week, so far it's not hurt me,but it's sticking around, so I choked down Miralax last night. Kinda did the job.
 Last week I was so depressed again about it and today I'm all lets kick GP in the face. I don't think my emotions about it have anything to do with being bipolar either. I think even normal folks would agree with some of this.

      This condition, malfunction, disease , whatever you want to call it is so different for everyone, I think THAT'S why there is no real standard of care. Maybe one day there will be. Maybe one day there will be a cure. In my opinion for there to be a cure you have to find a cause. I think mine was caused because I ate 40plus mg of percocet every day for almost 2 years. Then again, it could be caused from my surgeries. Who knows but God. All I know is I have to deal with it. Some days I put on my big girl panties and do just that. Other days I crawl into a hole with the snuggie and remote.
 I still don't know what the right path of care is for me and neither does my Dr. I feel like we'[re all swinging blind folded at a pinata with a tooth pick!

.....that is all for today folks....

A Little More Living

 It's been a bit since I've ranted like a crazy woman on the woe is me of GP. I've been conducting little studies shall we say on this new chapter in my life.
 I have eaten out with my kids..
 I've seen my psychiatrist
  I have been to Barnes and Noble to look for books.
I have massive stock up grocery shopped.
   I have eaten my favorite chicken salad from my grocery store, pizza, pork roast, cheese dip, a grilled hot dog, and banana pudding.

            First things first, as it's the most frustrating part, I ate at Red Lobster with my kids two weeks ago.  The kids and I went to Ms. I'm from there but live an hour away now. We had a good time seeing my new nephew, my Mama, and did some shopping. We were starving and they picked Red "Monster" in Southaven, Ms.We sat and we waited and waited. Finally got our drink order and I asked if I could order a child size portion of crab linguine. It's my favorite. I knew I'd only eat a wee bit and wasn't going home any time soon, so I didn't want to waste good food and money. They waitress looked very confused. I tried to explain my stomach situation to her and she got even more confused. Finally I just said I had stomach surgery.{not a lie, b/c I don't lie, the surgery was in 2010} She said there was no way I could do that. I asked why. She had to get her manager over to tell me it's not possible. So screw it, I ordered the pasta any way with a side of fried clams. I asked to just get those instead of a salad, would it be a problem. Yes, matter of fact it would be, because the salad came with it, and that's what I HAD to get. B.S. I ordered my clams and my kids food. The more I sat there and stewed the madder I got. I didn't let my kids see I was really pissed off. Not that they "couldn't" change it, but that they wouldn't. I even had asked if I could order off the kids menu. Nope again. That's total horseshit too, b/c I do it all the time. So finally I tracked down our waitress and told her to cancel the pasta. She told me I'd probably have to pay for it anyway b/c the order had been put in and was about to come out. I told her that I didn't want it. It was a very confusing situation for me. I know the restaurant has rules and such, it's a business, I get it. The flat refusal to even try is what got me. My kids order got screwed up too. Needless to say I ate cold fried clams and my oldest ate chicken when he ordered shrimp. I'd had a bad experience in there back in Aug. too, but I'll give most places the benefit of doubt. So nope! No more Red Monster in Southaven for us!


   I saw my wonderful psychiatrist this past week. She knew that there was the posiblity of me having gp because I told her in my last visit. I also signed a release so that she and my gastro Dr. could swap notes if they need to. I took the medication information from Canada for her to read. I'm bipolar as I've said before. My meds have me pretty regulated, but a pill don't fix all the crazy. I take my meds every single day whether manic or depressed. Currently I take Lamictal and Seroquel. Seroquel XR is a wonder drug for me. For the first time in years I feel pretty normal, even though right now I'm slightly hypo manic. Right now I'm tripping about the gp because all I can imagine is my kids standing over my bed because I've wasted away to nothing and they're saying goodbye. I know we all have our times up,and I'm confident I will be in heaven, but I'm in no hurry. Anyway, she read over the info and told me that it's fine for me to take. I asked was she sure that it's ok because it's from Canada. Sure she told me. I'm very up front with my Dr.'s ALL of them. I don't want anything to cancel each other out. I take Nexium and tums for my gastro stuff. I take my bipolar meds, and I also take a blood pressure medication too. After my Dad died my bp went through the roof along with my weight. I'm tapering off that right now.

  I went to Barnes and Noble because my shrink recommended a book called ,Goddesses in Every Woman.
So I decided to look for books on gp while I was there. There was not one just abut it. I looked in some diabetes books and there were slight mentions of it. The brief info there was enough to scare the crap out of even the most clogged up folks. I picked up Doctors Guide to Gastrointestinal Health. There were a scant 3 1/2 pages of scary useless information. This morning I pulled up Amazon and there were a few on the site. I'm not sure which one I'll order. I think I've googled myself into a tizzy. Maybe I'll write a best seller on gastrointestinal nightmares! I've had some sort of issue my whole life. As a kid I could puke pretty much on demand. I went home from several slumber parties because I'd get scared about being away from home. I'd hurl and my parents had to come get me at midnight.

 I managed to big grocery shop without having an anxiety attack! I don't make out a monthly or weekly menu as some of my friends do. I probably should since my appetite is nil. I cook whatever I'm hankering for or the weather dictates. Pinto beans and cornbread in the fall and tomato sandwiches in July, that sort of thing. I could probably not grocery shop for at least a month or more except for milk and bread. Guess you could call me a grocery hoarder. I like a variety of options. I wasn't overwhelmed this time because of boo hoo, I can't eat that anymore. I'm coping better that way.

 I'm learning my "trigger" foods. Let's start with Thursday night. We grilled out hot dogs, burgers,and brats. I ate a hot dog with no bun, ruffles, rotel, & a piece of chocolate pie. I kept telling Josh {husband} to make me stop. He has no sympathy with me when it's something even he knows will mess me up. He told me nobody was holding me down. It was just so dern good. I had to take phenegran in order to sleep. {My bed is propped up b/c of the gerd}.Friday was a field trip to the zoo. I ate a few fruit snacks and a bit of a pbj b/c I was hungry and that's what we'd packed to take. It got very heavy after just a bit. I got pizza for supper. I managed 2 slices in about an hr. Okay there. Saturday my stomach was giving me fits and I had no real appetite. Ran to town for a few things and got my favorite chicken salad from this great hometown grocery store. It's a very simple recipe,but I can never get it just right. It's chicken, grapes,mayo,pecans,and a few other ingredients.  I got to feeling car sick so I took a phenegran just before we left town. I live in the boonies near the Ms. river. Get home, eat some chicken salad on a fresh piece of Wonder bread. Then I got sick! I tried my best to hurl, but I couldn't. I even thought about stuff that icks me out to help it out. Nope! There that salad sat, like a brick in the back of my throat to my intestines. I had to take more phenegran. I spent yesterday on the couch. I had every intention of going to church with the kids, but I just couldn't go. I really hope God understands that my intentions were good. I cooked a pork roast and made banana pudding yesterday. I ate a few nibbles of the roast. It was really juicy and I only ate a few bites every couple of hours or so, so it didn't get stuck. Banana pudding on the other hand I could have snarfed the entire big bowl of it. It seems like sweets are easier to digest. If that's not the case, then it taste better. I also drank my slimfast and took my vitamin.

  I'm learning how to cope better, I guess. Right now I'm doing trial and error on eating. Lesson learned on food : I can't eat Naifeh's chicken salad anymore, I can't eat rotel dip except a little bit, I can still eat pizza very slowly,and I can inhale banana pudding.

  I gave this to God. Like really truly gave it to Him. It's not at the forefront of all my thoughts anymore and I'm not as anxious as I was.

 

How to Order a la Carte

  I made a call to my gastro Dr. yesterday to see how my motility is. I see a specialist in Memphis, Tn named Dr.Slose. My current rate is 49%. That means as of right now I have a mild case. The nurse, whom I forgot to mention is so kind, was happy to answer the seemingly trivial questions. For right now I will officially change my eating habits. I try to eat bites here and there, but I get tired easy. This morning I'm cramping so I hope I can get unclogged soon!

 I've been symptomatic for months. I've learned how to order at a restaurant off the a la cart menu over the past few months. In April I got the sinus crud that is very common around here that time of year. I was coming off percocet too. I had a bit of an appetite but still was ordering like I wasn't puny. I was spending money that I shouldn't have on the "extra's". Those being;  a salad with an entree, 3 vegetables with my meat and three special, and saying load up the tater. I was bringing home more leftovers than I would eat before the food went bad. My family liked the leftovers so it didn't go to waste. We don't eat out much for budgetary reasons. I cook at home most nights but I do take myself out to lunch occasionally. I was on the road to learning how to order through trial and error.

 I think the first place I really started ordering just what I want at a sit down place was my local Mexican restaurants. It's very easy to order just a burrito or just a taco. You don't get "the look". You know the look I'm talking about, that almost judging glare. I think one of my more embarrassing times, at least to me, was when I ordered an all you can eat salad bar. I got my bowl of soup and sat down. It took me 10 minutes to eat just that one smallish bowl. The waitress came by to refill my tea and asked was there anything else I needed. I looked up and kinda whispered, "Yes, you can. I know I ordered the whole salad bar, but I can't psychically eat any more." I got so embarrassed for some reason. I told her I wasn't feeling well, so could I just pay for my soup and tea. She was so very sweet and told me she'd take care of it. A few minutes later I got my bill. It was $ 2.50. I'm not sure how she rigged it, but she was so sweet and told me she hoped I felt better. I left her a $5.00 tip. I'm not sure just why I was so embarrassed. I don't look sick. I was 220 pounds at the time, so it's implied that this fat chick can eat my entire weight in soup and salad.

 I recently had lunch at Macaroni Grill. I tend to eat lunch vs dinner out because it's cheaper on top of being able to order smaller portions. I love pasta! I love pasta and Italian food as good as any New Jersey Italian American. {For the record I'm a true American mutt with Irish being the last ones to get off the ship,so it's the thickest in my blood} I ordered my lunch size lasagna  and was asked if I wanted the lunch special with a salad. No thank you. I kinda got a weird look from the sweet server, but not an unkind look. I was alone, but there were these two ladies sitting at the table beside me and I actually had a ball chit chatting with strangers. I ate barely half of my lunch size portion. The server even asked was everything alright, making sure I liked my food. I said yes, but that I don't eat much at one time these days. She smiled and said she's on a diet too. I just nodded and smiled. I didn't want to go into detail about how I just CAN'T eat much.

 Last night I hit the McDonald's drive through. I had a coke,so all I ordered was just a regular {small} cheeseburger. I get around to the window to pay and the kid who took my money told me that the double burger was the better deal. I said that I was sure it was but it would be all I could do to choke down just the single. For some reason I told that kid that I couldn't probably eat the whole thing due to gastro issues. He told me his sister had the Lap Band done and she was the same way. I just nodded.

 Maybe it's just my own perception that I'm being looked at strange because as big as I am you'd think I could eat more! Over the past few months I've learned to just order what I think I can eat at one time. That's a true first for me. I don't look like I should order off the kids menu or just one taco at La Casa. No, not all the servers give me the look, but others do. I'm sure I get "profiled" for being a big girl. It can't be a bad thing only ordering what I want on the money front. Mentally it's a struggle because I've never been this way before. I had to eat small briefly after hiatal hernia surgery but that was only a few weeks. This GP condition is for life. That seems so final to me.

    I'm still tore up because, yes, I need to loose weight, but being put on limits against my will is my struggle. I know that even with meds this condition will worsen. I was still optimistic yesterday when I talked to the nurse. I said something like, "Great! I'll go on and take the meds and get back to 100%.". She told me that she didn't want to give me false hope because it won't get me back to 100%. That yes, this will probably worsen as time goes on.  On the bright side, I'll forever more be saving money on groceries here at home and out to eat.

In summation: Order and eat what you want! No explaining at all, savor every small bite,and enjoy it.

Gastroparesis Diagnosis

            I have been having some pretty severe stomach issues lately. I've been loosing weight {yay} for no reason, no appetite, and constantly constipated. {yeah I said it}. I feel nauseated all the time! I can eat like a bird at meals and be full. I thought my issues were b/c I withdrew from the long time on Percocet. I've always had my stomach issues! Various aliments, surgeries,and treatment plans.


      I was diagnosed about ten days ago with gastroparesis. Meaning slow motility in my stomach. It empties very slowly. I've seen it live too. Looked like the 4th of July fireworks in there. I had to eat radio active scrambled eggs, They weren't bad b/c I got to put salt on them. I had to lay on an X-ray table for an hours and half. It wasn't bad either. The X-ray machine was only about 5 or 6 inches away from my stomach. I thought I'd flip out feeling so confined, but believe it or not it was soothing. Dim lights, elevator music,warm blanket. I would have gone to sleep but was too anxious. I cried like a baby when my Dr. called me with the egg test results. I spoke to the nurse, she couldn't help much. I asked how long it would take the meds to clear this up. She told me there is no cure, that it would be like this the rest of my life. That's the point where I lost it. They sent a packet in the mail with order info from the pharmacy in Canada I have to order my meds from. I'm bipolar as well.  I'm going to delay the meds as long as I can b/c I need to loose like 40 or more lbs. I'm 5'7 & 210ish this time last year I was right at 247. Elavil put  that weight on me.

 I'm just down right mad!  I love food! I love to eat! I love to cook, I love to plow through a plate of cheese fries soaked in homemade ranch dressing! I love big salads,and turnip greens, and cabbage! I love fresh apples and pears and carrots oh my! I'm southern, and food is a much part of our culture as sitting on the porch drinking sweet tea. It's woven in us like a tight knit rug. Aside from loving my bacon and butter and full fat dairy, I don't cook that bad. I never fry stuff,! My full fat fave. is creamed potatoes  swimming in an ocean of butter and heavy cream. I love turkey and dressing! I love most foods! Now, though, I HAVE eat like Mammy told Scarlett to! We're cheese heads around here, all kinds of cheese. Creamy, hard,stinky,blue, white,yellow,peppered,melted,diced,shredded,cubed. We're like Bubba Blue with the way we eat cheese around here.

 I love to bake! I love to make cookies with my kids and eat them straight out of the oven! I bake cakes, I love cake. I love cake so much that I went to the Emmy's last year on Duncan Hines dime! I love yellow cake with warm chocolate sauce on it. I love my mama's peanut brittle. I love 3day coconut cake! I love crusty bread dipped in evoo and balsamic vinegar! I love chess pie,chocolate pie,pecan pie, I don't discriminate.

Food and feeding people is my true passion in life. It may sound petty,but I feel like some of my passion has been taken from me. I feel like part of who I am is what I cook and consume. Josh told me that I can still cook with passion like always, but I just can't eat much of it. Where the hell is the fun in that?

 I'm just plain MAD! I know I need to loose weight, but NOT like this! I was just about to join Weight Watchers before this. Even on WW I could still eat what I wanted just less. I'd prepared my self for that. I can do it, fired up my friends to do it too. Like a fat girl support group. I feel torn about it. The only thing I'm happy about it loosing weight, but then when I get to what I need to weigh, what then. What measures will I have to take? I take a vitamin, am now drinking 5 oz of Slimfast twice a day and a few nibbles here and there. My stomach pokes out like I'm pg b/c of the gas and constipation. I can fit into my 16 jeans though. For a girl who could wear a 22 last year it's a big deal! I can't take stimulant laxatives either. I don't know just why. So I eat Colease to pretty much no avail.


    I found a support group online and literally thanked God for helping me find the page. My symptoms are not so severe that I vomit. I just feel like I am,most of the time. I've tried some of the recommended meds in the past for various issues. I can already say I know they won't work. I did ask my nurse if I could try diet first. She said yes. I asked about Slim Fast she said just one a day and only 1/2 a bottle at a time. It's actually kinda fattening if you don't follow their plan. I've found so many conflicting plans online.{you know b/c everything you read online is true} One says eat all the fat you want,like milkshakes and ice cream. If I did that then I would GAIN weight like I did after hernia surgery #2. One says to do crackers and Gatorade for a few days then bump up your intake. Just reading how much 6 small meals a day of food is made me sick. I'm calling the Dr. tomorrow and seeing jut how slow my motility is and asking just what diet plan they can suggest and ask for phenegran


.http://www.webmd.com/digestive-disorders/digestive-disorders-gastroparesis